Expectations: The Enemy Of Happiness?!?

Remember when you were seven years old? You just laid out the cookies for Santa and are all tucked into your bed. You were extremely well behaved this year and got good grades in school. You didn’t pull your sister’s hair and you even made your bed every single morning on your own. You worked really hard to be the best seven year old kid you could be! You told Santa you wanted a shiny, new, red bicycle for Christmas that year in your letter and when you saw him at the mall. It was finally going to happen. All that hard work was about to pay off. Your well earned prize of a shiny, new, red bicycle would be waiting under the tree for you in the morning. You can barely keep your eyes closed you’re so excited, but eventually, after visualizing every thing you would do tomorrow, riding around on your shiny, new, red, bicycle, you fall asleep.

The next morning you race to the living room and excitedly examine all the gifts closely, scanning for anything distinctly bicycle shaped. To your confusion, there is nothing there shaped like a shiny, new, red, bicycle, but of course. That’s it! It wouldn’t fit under the tree so they have it hiding somewhere special and will bring it out at the right moment!. You begin opening presents. One for you… One for you sister… One for mom…. One for dad…  One for Uncle Dave… One for cousin Justin, etc… On and on this pattern will go and the grown ups will one by one fall out of the rotation as they run out of gifts. And finally you’re down to one… last… gift. It’s a box. It’s probably a sneaky gift like a helmet and your shiny, new, red, bicycle will be waiting for you outside. You unwrap the box slowly, barely containing your excitement, about to have a shiny, new, red, bicycle, and just as you lift the paper off you see… a new pair of shoes in a shoebox. A nice pair of shoes to be sure, but anything that is not that shiny, new, red, bicycle, is simply unacceptable. Your mind is racing. You say to yourself “I did everything right. I got good grades. I was super nice to people. I made my bed every day without being asked. I told Santa what I wanted. Where is my bike? Was I not good enough to get a bike? What is wrong with me? What did I do wrong?” How do you feel?

From a rational, logical, adult perspective, we know there could be plenty of reasons you didn’t get that shiny, new, red, bicycle. Your family might not have been able to afford it. They may have run out at the store. They may not have known that’s what you wanted. Regardless of the objective reality, there is one thing that is clear: you had an expectation that if you performed certain tasks in a certain way and did them the way others wanted you to, then you earned a shiny, new, red, bicycle of your very own. Some adults, especially ones that don’t have kids, may look at this and say “That kid is just spoiled. They are just being a brat because they didn’t get their way.” And as Obi-Wan said in Return Of The Jedi, they are correct, from a certain point of view. However, in order to address any kind of issue, you must first put yourself in the position of the person who has been wronged or harmed, even if you don’t think they have been. In your mind as this child, you are completely justified in your frustration, anger, and self-questioning.

It may have struck you as odd that I frequently used the phrase “shiny, new, red, bicycle” so often, but remember as a kid that this is what, and how, this would go through your mind. When you have an expectation, it is never vague. Think of this in your effort to be more understanding of the problem. Do you often repeat things to yourself like “check the stove, turn the air up, open the blinds, start the coffee”? Or what about “that new office, with more space, more money, and better hours”? We all focus on those details of what is important, and in the case of something we want and work hard for, wouldn’t we feel the same way as the kid? If you bust your butt at work, always hit your numbers, go the extra mile, and carry the team, how would you feel if you didn’t get that big promotion you were bucking for? Or even worse, your boss comes down on you and calls you a spoiled brat or something to that effect. That even though you put in that hard work, that you didn’t do it right or how they wanted it. Is this your fault? Should you feel this way? Whose responsibility is it to ensure things are happening the way they are supposed to be? Your boss had expectations of you but didn’t tell you what they were. Is that any way to make things go at work?

At our core, we are all wired to work and push hard to accomplish a goal, whether it’s a shiny, new, red, bicycle or that big promotion. Isn't it about time that we learned to manage expectations on both sides of the equation? If you’re the kid, or the employee, it’s your job to make your goals known! Speak up if you want your bike! Let your boss know you can do more and have an eye on the promotion. If you’re the boss, it’s your job to lay out the path and the detailed steps it’s going to take for that to happen. Oh yeah, and you have to follow through. Something will never come from nothing. Make it happen. And bosses, make sure that reward is ready and waiting. Then, and only then, might expectations NOT be the enemy of happiness!